Have we lost the art of the apology?
Is it me? Has it always been
this way? Why are people so averse of a heartfelt apology these days? Everyone
I know from the prime minister to close friends and family seem very averse to
either saying it meaningfully or just ignore it completely. Some say it’s just
a word, others say that it’s meaningless and has no effect. I even read a Facebook
post using this analogy for not saying sorry; smash a plate. Now say sorry! See
it doesn’t bring the plate back together again. Yes your right no it doesn’t
but it was never intended to be something that fixes things. The principle of the apology is more
humanistic, it is about feelings.
It’s a short word really and yet used properly it can and should mean a lot for many reasons. Yet for some reason these days everyone seems very reluctant to use it. Perhaps it’s the Americanisation of what it means. To say sorry is to own up to a fault. These days if you own up for a fault then you are potentially opening up yourself to liability for your actions. Or is it the concern that by admitting a mistake you somehow are less human? Again I think this widely misses the point of a heartfelt apology.
So is there a way that sorry could become a word again, that actually goes beyond ownership of fault or a feeling of less importance. It shouldn’t do and it doesn’t have to.
The word sorry delivered is in my mind, regardless of fault or injury or damage means as a human being I am genuinely upset that I as an individual may have done something that has made you feel a hurt or a loss. I am not apologising for the action, in a lot of cases an action can be right. I.e. a break up of a relationship due to a couple not getting on. The action is still correct but the act of admitting it and carrying out the decision may make one person or the other or even both feel that they have in some way not been adequate. It is that what I am hoping to apologise for. As a human we will often do and say things rightly or wrongly that hurts another this is not the matter. The matter is one at a deeper level does any person have the right to make any person feel less about themselves or what they feel or own.
To me the word sorry is much more significant. A word which used properly and with sincerity can help make a difficult situation better if done with the right intention or aim.
Firstly it must be sincere, it must be felt, and the word coming out of your mouth must also show signs of upset emotionally. This doesn’t mean floods of tears or wailing, but your face must show some sincerity.
Secondly if possible ask or better still without asking if possible put it right. I.e. in the broken plate scenario, at least replace the plate with a plate of an equal or better value. It can’t just be offer of money. The actual act of looking, ordering and giving the plate nicely wrapped shows effort and helps repair the hurt. It is also a reminder that will act to help develop and maintain the relationship.
If it’s more emotional then, actual physical do something good, donate money, help in some other way, spend some time or do something the other person finds difficult or off value. It’s the time and effort that goes with the word that helps the sorry in being accepted.
Thirdly and lastly forgive yourself or the other person and truly move on. If you hold on to the hurt, then the apology hasn't been accepted. This shows a lack of trust which will always sit in the back of your mind and will cause you difficulties in the future.
Done properly and graciously it can help heal many problems for people and societies. Like all things however it’s not just a word there has to be an effort linked with it.
Remember we are all human. Too err is to be human to accept or to give a heart fault apology is also just an important part of humanity. It is a balance that we all need. It is ok to make mistakes and it is also ok to forgive yourself and others who make mistakes against you. Without accepting mistakes or forgiveness we may in fact loose one of the most important factors in being what we are truly meant to be.
It’s a short word really and yet used properly it can and should mean a lot for many reasons. Yet for some reason these days everyone seems very reluctant to use it. Perhaps it’s the Americanisation of what it means. To say sorry is to own up to a fault. These days if you own up for a fault then you are potentially opening up yourself to liability for your actions. Or is it the concern that by admitting a mistake you somehow are less human? Again I think this widely misses the point of a heartfelt apology.
So is there a way that sorry could become a word again, that actually goes beyond ownership of fault or a feeling of less importance. It shouldn’t do and it doesn’t have to.
The word sorry delivered is in my mind, regardless of fault or injury or damage means as a human being I am genuinely upset that I as an individual may have done something that has made you feel a hurt or a loss. I am not apologising for the action, in a lot of cases an action can be right. I.e. a break up of a relationship due to a couple not getting on. The action is still correct but the act of admitting it and carrying out the decision may make one person or the other or even both feel that they have in some way not been adequate. It is that what I am hoping to apologise for. As a human we will often do and say things rightly or wrongly that hurts another this is not the matter. The matter is one at a deeper level does any person have the right to make any person feel less about themselves or what they feel or own.
To me the word sorry is much more significant. A word which used properly and with sincerity can help make a difficult situation better if done with the right intention or aim.
Firstly it must be sincere, it must be felt, and the word coming out of your mouth must also show signs of upset emotionally. This doesn’t mean floods of tears or wailing, but your face must show some sincerity.
Secondly if possible ask or better still without asking if possible put it right. I.e. in the broken plate scenario, at least replace the plate with a plate of an equal or better value. It can’t just be offer of money. The actual act of looking, ordering and giving the plate nicely wrapped shows effort and helps repair the hurt. It is also a reminder that will act to help develop and maintain the relationship.
If it’s more emotional then, actual physical do something good, donate money, help in some other way, spend some time or do something the other person finds difficult or off value. It’s the time and effort that goes with the word that helps the sorry in being accepted.
Thirdly and lastly forgive yourself or the other person and truly move on. If you hold on to the hurt, then the apology hasn't been accepted. This shows a lack of trust which will always sit in the back of your mind and will cause you difficulties in the future.
Done properly and graciously it can help heal many problems for people and societies. Like all things however it’s not just a word there has to be an effort linked with it.
Remember we are all human. Too err is to be human to accept or to give a heart fault apology is also just an important part of humanity. It is a balance that we all need. It is ok to make mistakes and it is also ok to forgive yourself and others who make mistakes against you. Without accepting mistakes or forgiveness we may in fact loose one of the most important factors in being what we are truly meant to be.
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